Let me state for the record that recent news about the number of email accounts I use has been blown way out or proportion. Contrary to published and highly exaggerated reports, I only use 27 different email addresses for work, 31 for personal business, and a mere 19 email accounts for private correspondence. I fail to see why this number matters to the vast right wing conspiracy that is plotting my demise, or their lackeys in the biased right-leaning media. Nevertheless, in a show of my transparency and extreme humility, I now rub the truth in their faces and challenge them to choke on it.
As to the nature of correspondence via those email addresses, I have instructed my personally dedicated email staff to perform an analysis in preparation for your questions. My three dedicated email server full-time administrators, along with the two part-timers and the college intern, have tallied the results of the emails I have received as follows:
- 60% of the emails received were unsolicited advertisements, commonly called SPAM, for things such as Canadian pharmacy pills, vintage 1970s electric hairbrushes, wool socks, chinchilla farms and the other typical SPAM emails everyone receives.
- An additional 10% of received emails were SPAM knock-offs known as TREET, Hormel Canned Dinner Ham, and a few simply known as unbranded "potted meat." In all cases, whether for SPAM or knock-offs, the analysis shows that I responded to less than half of these offers and spent less than $23,000 on them, only some of which was money I managed in my official capacity related to my position.
- 5% of received emails turned out to be from Nigerian and other West African widows and orphans who needed my help transferring the funds of their influentual but deceased relatives out of their country. I want to stress that at NO TIME did I use my official position and influence to solicit these requests from relatives of deceased foreign officials and dignitaries. These requests arrived in my inboxes unannounced, and only after careful scrutiny, consisting of at least three emails back and forth, did I ever invest any official funds in these humanitarian causes. We expect to see these start paying off any day, with only a few more hurdles to clear on the African side before the moneys will be deposited into accounts here.
- 10% of received emails were newsletters for which I never signed up. To keep my office totally transparent, we printed and filed five copies of each newsletter issue received. Anyone pressing for details on all my email activity will be shipped a truckload of these newsletters, printed, sorted by date and boxed alphabetically. These are the only records my office will be releasing for public scrutiny, as all other emails are either too personal or too sensitive for wide viewing.
- 5% of my received emails were true stories about a girl with cancer who will get her full treatment paid by Microsoft if we keep forwarding the emails. Another 5% were replies from some very mean people about this email, heartlessly claiming it is a hoax and urging people to stop participating in this worthy cause.
- 5% were jokes, cute religious stories, urban legends and funny cat pictures forwarded to me by Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, and a high-ranking Iranian official whom I will not name directly but I have nick-named "Mammy Moody." (On a personal note, his cutesy nick-name for me is "That crazy American that hangs out at my uncle Yusef's house watching Andy Griffith all day"). I want to stress that no amount of cute emails with foreign officials would cause me to compromise the trust my position requires.
There you have it. That is the analysis of all emails received across all of my 77 email accounts. I will not be releasing details of emails I sent, as they are private, and I will not be changing my email practices, as they are a personal choice and I have broken no rules. I can use as many email accounts as I want to and the vast left wing conspiracy or their lackeys in the biased left-leaning media can't stop me.
This should put to rest all the speculation that has been raised recently. Thank you for your attention.
Victor Mowery, Under-Secretary to the Deputy Secretary to the Assistant Secretary of the Bureau of Secretaries and Administrative Assistants.
VM - 03-10-2015
