Here are five lessons I have learned or reminded myself as I have thought over and healed from different situations over many years. Maybe they are a help to others.
I have probably been on both sides of each point below, doing the wrong thing or the right. In personal offenses, I have been both the offender and the offended. You probably have too.
I would have benefitted many years ago if someone had shared these lessons with me. So I share them now with other Christians.
1. Just when you are as upset as you can possbly be about what is going on, it is time to realize YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON !!!
You don't know people's motivations behind what they say and do. Don't pretend that you do know; only God can look on their heart and don't put yourself in His place. So you don't know what's going on.
There are also things going on outside of your visibility that affect the part of the situation that you
can see. People are having conversations and making plans that you're not aware of. Misunderstandings are forming that you can't correct because you don't even know they exist. So again, you don't know what's going on.
And in the middle of this big "mess" (to our human eyes), Almighty God has a plan, a reason (or many), an intended result, a purpose and a learning lesson for you. He has crafted and worked through all parties involved to bring about His purpose, of which you are completely unaware. So finally, when it gets as bad as it can, you still don't know what's going on.
So how can you get angry / upset / despondent / depressed / whatever about what is taking place, when you don't even know what it is?
Instead you can be thankful that if you respond to everything in God's way, His will is accomplished. Walk in the Spirit. Speak rightly. Give thanks and pray.
2. You don't need to be personally vindicated or justified.
In dealing with personal sins against you by others, the biblical motivation is always restoration of the relationship. Restoration should always be possible as far as you're concerned (Romans 12:18, etc.), but sometimes there is a brother or sister who is what the Bible calls "implacable." It means "not willing to reconcile" and it is listed alongside the most heinous crimes and sins. This is the person who refuses to meet with you face to face to discuss the difficulty or sort out the facts. This is the person who claims to be offended but won't tell what the offense is; or who is offended but claims not to be. Implacable.
In such a case, it can be easy for your flesh to change your motivation. Since reconciliation becomes impossible, self vindication or justification becomes tempting. It doesn't seem wrong, since you're not lashing out or slandering, you're just trying to "say your peace" or get your point across or defend your actions. But if it wouldn't lead to reconciliation, what is the point? Just to clear your name?
That is totally unbiblical and your actions and words with that motivation will make everything worse. Refuse the temptation to get the last word, or to make your case to others or third parties. The goal is reconciliation. Once that's not possible, its time to stop wasting your energy and move on.
Really, what is behind anything else you could say or do? Just your own pride, that's all. That's not a motivation that will stand at the Judgment Seat.
3. Don't play the stupid "prove yourself" game.
Jesus said that when your brother says "I repent" that you forgive him. In context, He speaks of a brother that repents multiple times in the same day. So it is clear that forgiveness is immediate. Yes, trust may take time to rebuild, but forgiveness and restoration of fellowship, show of love, etc., is NOW.
Understand that it takes time for someone to change longstanding patterns, time for them to learn what all contributes to their issues, time for them to sort through the various (and sometimes contradictory) counsel they are receiving. Meanwhile, their simple indication of repentance and their starting on the road to victory, however small their steps, these are enough to receive them into the enjoyment of unhindered Christian love and fellowship that they previously had.
(Obviously I am talking here about time to change their attitudes, mindsets, speaking habits, public demeanor and the like that go into personal offenses between brethen. Outright sins of immorality require a clean break).
The offending brother who repents is glad to have the burden lifted and to now be on the road to victory. But the offended party might view this brother's new-found joy as rather a non-chalant attitude about the sin or offense. That is, they might view it that way *IF* they haven't truly forgiven him yet. If they are taking the "wait and see" or "prove yourself" attitude, everything the brother does comes under intense scrutiny and there is bound to be more fault found. This is not a recipe for reconciliation but for more hurt.
If a person has truly forgiven, then they can SHARE in the joy that comes from finally being on the road to victory, not SCORN it.
Don't play wait and see. Get the issues out in the open and discuss them completely and commit to help each other heal.
To the repentant brother, I also say don't play along with this stupid game. If somebody is doing a "wait and see" on you, don't let it steal your joy. Don't cater your actions to them to try to prove yourself. Their attitude already shows that you will never measure up. They are looking closely for your next trip-up. Just serve the Lord, draw close and walk with Him. You didn't repent of that, even if they seem to think you should have! More on that later.
4. Don't think because you have "moved on" that others have.
This is the flip side of the prior point. Sometimes the waiting game is played or an offense between brethren isn't dealt with for a long time. Then if it is brought up to the offender later, he or she says something like, "Why are we still talking about that when it happened so long ago?"
You're still talking about it because you didn't talk about it enough back when it happened, Dummy! I hate to point out the obvious, so don't be a knuckle head.
There is no statute of limitations on dealing with personal offenses. You don't get off the hook just because it's been six months or however long.
Maybe the offended brother tried to let love cover it but finally realized it needed to be dealt with. Maybe he first thought he misunderstood but now realizes he didn't or wants to be sure. Maybe he let it go then but now sees it as a pattern in you and his concern is with helping you.
Whatever the reason, whether or not he should have brought it up before, he is bringing it up now and it is obviously an issue for him so it needs to be one for you. Deal with it together. Don't weasel out because you thought you got away with it for so long.
5. Don't let anybody stop you from serving the Lord or ministering to others or sharing the lessons you've learned.
I alluded to this in a prior point but I will expand on it here.
You might have repented of this or that. You might have even resigned a ministry in order to focus on getting things right and regaining lost trust.
But you did not resign from being a Christian, studying the Bible, faithfully attending church, helping others, and trying to serve where you can, whether cleaning toilets or spreading the Gospel.
You did not repent of being able to share joys, concerns or prayer requests. You did not resign from being able to say "Amen" when the preaching hits home. You did not forfeit your right to view your church home as a refuge from the world and spend time there. You did not lose your responsibilities to uphold the church membership covenant and help other members.
If you come under formal church discipline, there should be specific expectations laid out, maybe with certain things off-limits. But otherwise you have all the same rights and responsibilities as every other church member and anyone denying you these has now become the offender.
You don't need to put on sackcloth and sit in ashes with tears until somebody else thinks you've paid your dues. Understand that part of your recovery is going to be focusing on working for Christ. Don't expect to take on a new ministry or new formal responsibility while you're working through issues. But don't draw back from being the best church member and Christian you can be at this stage of your life.
If it bothers somebody that you're trying to live like a Christian should while you sort through your issues, that is a sign that person probably will not end up reconciling with you after all. They already show they are implacable. They don't even want to think that a scoundrel like you could be used by God. Not only is that not your problem, but there's nothing you can do about it. So don't let them stop you from pressing toward the mark.
(And by the way, you're probably not the right person that can help them with their new attitude problem. Oh well. You can love them anyway.)
Maybe some young Christians will read this and avoid some of the mistakes the rest of us have made.
VM
