Listen up young'ns. Back when I was a kid, oh back say during the Reagan era, people couldn't really get very far with lying like they can today. Something odd happened then that you're too young to probably remember. But back then, whenever somebody was lying, their pants would catch on fire. Really. Seriously. Right where they stood or sat, as they started telling a lie you could at first smell the smolder, and by the time they got through their lie, they were running for the faucet or the fire extinguisher, with their pants in small, medium or total flames, depending on the size of their whopper! Sometimes it was pretty fun to watch.
I suppose it still happens every once in a while these days, but you don't hear about it much. The news press usually writes it up as "spontaneous combustion." Spontaneous my foot! Somebody told a lie! And I don't mean a joke or a "little white lie" (still wrong) to spare someone's feelings. They told a malicious lie against somebody else and there was immediate retribution!
Like I was tellin' ya, kids, it don't happen much any more. But this used to be pretty normal. And when we saw somebody with their pants on fire, we had a special social ritual. It was an important part of the cultural etiquette of the day. All together, everyone who heard the lie and witnessed the resulting pants aflame would chant or sing the following little ditty:
"Liar, Liar. Pants on fire. Beat your butt with a telephone wire."
This chant was an important aspect of the culture of that time. It reinforced the fact that lying has severe consequences. Sure, we could all see the consequences right there. The guy's pants were literally on fire, for crying out loud! But we sang the chant to reiterate WHY his pants were on fire, and that we KNEW what he'd said was a lie. And if his pants hadn't caught fire and somebody believed him, there were even worse consequences that could never be escaped. That's what the chant meant.
I am told that back before people wore pants, back in the robe days, their noses grew instead when they lied. I don't know what the chant was then. Those records did not survive the Dark Ages. The invention of pants is what brought the world out of that dark time, by the way. The pantaloons on fire rule was so new and unknown that there were britches fires everywhere lighting things up, so they had to stop calling it the Dark Ages and started calling it the Enlightenment.
Anyway, lots of records from the Dark Ages were burnt up by all the pants fires, until people finally figured out that it was all the lies causing it, so they got it under control. Thankfully the Gutenberg printing press didn't burn and so they could publish a newsletter about the new pants rule and let everybody know to be more careful. Of course the new pants on fire chant didn't take its full form until the telephone wire was invented.
Well finally in America at least, some 30 years ago now, the liberals eventually got involved and got all fired up about how unfair the pants on fire rule was. They started crying about how many nice people lost a good pair of pants, and minimum wage wasn't enough money to keep replacing all these pants, and their constituents can't buy pants with food stamps, and the "Big Pants" corporations were making unfair profits, and Social Security was somehow in danger due to the pants on fire rule (I never understood that one), and the nation's court cases are being delayed because all these lawyers are busy putting out fires right there in the court room, and how dangerous all these pants fires were, even though nothing else ever seemed to burn except those Dark Ages records and the occasional bridge. Those bridges usually needed burning anyway. I guess at the heart of it, the liberals wanted to be able to lie with nobody spotting them. And probably they got tired of their pants burning up right on the TV talk shows and there they are on live national TV in ratty boxer shorts and little pip-squeak liberal, hairy, spindly white legs. So they started passing laws about flame retardant pants. You know, requiring manufacturers to make all their pants fireproof and banning pants that were flammable and all kinds of liberal retard stuff like that. Retarded retardant, I like to call it.
First it was passed in California, but of course it spreads to the rest of the country. You know how that goes. Manufacturers aren't going to make a different product for the most populous state than they do for the rest of the country. Like the CARB compliant gas cans that are totally worthless. CARB stands for "California", "A" something, "R" something, "Baloney." I don't live in California but all they make any more is a California can; so that's what I have to fight with every few weeks just to try to get a little gas in my lawnmower. Same with the pants, and eventually it was a federal law too. So next thing you know, all the pants on the market are fireproof and nobody can tell who's lying and who ain't.
I guess the "spontaneous combustion" that still happens occasionally must be when the liars are wearing those really old pants they dug out of their closet. They forget how things used to be and they tell a lie and POOF!
Well, as I was saying kiddos, it took a while for everybody to get rid of their old pants. But gradually the fires died down and it got to be where nobody could tell who was lying any more. About five years after the flammable pants ban was finally passed nationwide, President Bill Clinton told some lies even under oath and he got away with it legally. So by then, everybody knew fer sher that the whole pants on fire business was a distant memory and people could finally lie without that consequence.
Well some people realized there were still other consequences to lying, and some people didn't. So the people who were honest all along still didn't lie. But the people who had only kept from lying when they were running short on pants could now lie all the time regardless. Their lies didn't even have to wait anymore for the annual pants clearance sale at Monkey Wards, the store where most people bought their pants back then. That store went out of business due to the ban, in fact. Pants sales were in a real slump by the late 1990s and Mr. Monkey and his partner Mr. Wards couldn't find another avenue to make their retailing work. They tried the Electric Avenue but it was shocking how much the pants decline had really affected them and they shut down. Anyway I am getting on rabbit trails and I don't mean to.
So for years after the ban, the school kids continued to chant the ritual at times, but the younger ones never knew it had really been that way at one time. By now, even today's college graduate can't remember ever laughing at a liar with his bleached bell-bottoms or Levi's 501 Blues engulfed in orange and yellow flames.
So it has become harder and harder to spot the liars these days. But there are still ways to tell. In the absence of flaming parachute zipper pants, let me help you spot 'em.
1) The liar will tell you something about somebody else, but will come up with some kind of reason why you shouldn't check directly with that other person. Liar, Liar. Why aren't your pants on fire? By the way, only a dipstick falls for this kind of a lie. But I guess we can all be dipsticks at times, especially when caught off guard or in emotional situations. It sure was easier when their pants just went POOF.
2) The liar will eventually be caught in another lie or series of lies or some kind of dishonest moral issues. This should cause you to doubt or even investigate everything they ever told you previously, at least any negative things about others or positive things about themselves. It's like when a police detective is caught intentionally mishandling evidence. Every case he ever worked before, from the start of his career till now, comes up for review and many old convictions get thrown out. Police pants on fire are serious! But remember, they don't catch on fire any more. So you have to watch for these character issues and then evaluate what people have told you, maybe even from years ago. Mighta been lies. Just sayin'.
3) Remember that liars have an agenda. Would the person telling you this information somehow benefit from you believing it? Has there been a whole series of statements from them, especially over a short period of time and especially about the same general subject or situation, that all fit that criteria? In the absence of flaming back pockets, you'd still better verify everything on your own.
4) The liar tends to get upset or take it personally when questioned. Clarifying the truth should never personally offend someone, since real truth belongs to everyone. But the lie belongs to them personally; it is their beloved creation. So your question is a personal affront to them. You ask your question and you can see it in their eyes -- they remember how the flames used to feel on their flabby backside. Yank that telephone wire right out of the wall and start to whooping!
5) Remember that a person who WON'T lie will turn out to be a CONSISTENT lover of truth. You will find them zealous to clarify things they've said, even if they simply THOUGHT you misunderstood or it wasn't clear. You will find them doing this even if their clarification would lessen the impact of their statement or not go to their best interests. Someone who never does this is either the world's greatest communicator, or is at a minimum dishonest enough to knowingly let unintentional misunderstandings remain if it suits them. Their underpants at least should have some char marks when hung out on the clothesline, so their neighbors can see and be wary of them.
Well, with today's fashions, maybe the ban on flammable pants isn't such a bad thing now. I don't know what would happen with all these crazy naked yoga pants and shorty short shorts if these folks were lying. Some of these people can have a quarter in their back pocket and their pants are so tight you can look and tell whether their quarter is heads or tails. But that's a different story.
So remember, always look up before climbing...
Sorry, Lemme try again.
So remember, there are serious consequences to lying. You may keep your pants, but you might lose your friends, loved ones and even your family. You will definitely lose a piece of your integrity with every lie. Those are the consequences for you, but your lie also brings devastating consequences to others.
Also remember that even without the hilarious pants explosions we used to see and enjoy, there are still ways to spot the lies and the lying liarheads that tell 'em.
So be careful out there, kiddies. There's a liar somewhere just waiting to play someone. Will it be you that gets played?
VM
09-25-2014
