Here are some fake news headlines and snippets I totally made up about Coronavirus. You can rest assured that all of these are completely false.
TRUMP DECLARES NATIONAL DAY OF FASTING, PRAYER AND REPENTANCE TO STEM TIDE OF COVID-19
In response to the Coronavirus crisis, as other great US presidents have done through history, the greatest president Evangelical Christians ever supported has declared next Monday as a day for Americans to fast, pray, repent and seek Almighty God's favor once again. Said Mr. Trump, "Our hopes must never rest in any government bail-outs, or what the government can do to help. This problem is beyond the reach of government. This problem may even be the result of the sins of government, provoking God as American Christians have done by relying on me to solve their problems." The President's modesty was on quiet display once again as he knelt behind his podium and began to invoke God's mercy upon the nation that he leads by such pious example.
TRUMP PROVES HIS COMMITMENT TO CONSTITUTION
In a time that has tried no US president as intensely as since perhaps Lincoln, Donald Trump proved once again he is as much a Constitutionalist as those who voted for him. Resisting the urge to spend, to give away money blindly to people who may or may not need it, and to generally act like the Democrat he used to be, the President stood his ground. "Times of crisis," he said, "are exactly the times to stand firm on principle. It is in those times that we truly see how well our Founders designed our system, and how wise they were in providing a resilient Constitution that works in any situation government may face. I am amazed at how much wiser and smarter those guys were than me. Aw, shucks!" Mr. Trump can count on sturdy support for his position against unnecessary spending from the Republican-controlled Senate and a sizable caucus of principled conservatives in the House of Representatives. Even this crisis will not increase the national debt one penny beyond the record level it has already soared to under Trump's first term, despite his stance.
CHRISTIAN LEADERS ADMIT THEY MIGHT HAVE BEEN WRONG TO SUPPORT TRUMP
"Well, all the Trump gains in the stock market have now completely tanked due to the virus. Crud. We thought he was going to make America great again. I guess we briefly forgot that God is in control, after all." Speaking alongside many evangelical leaders, these words of Jerry Falwell, Jr. were sheepishly agreed upon by the silent nods of others in attendance. "Look, we knew what we were getting with Trump. We knew he was a rascal, down to his core. It just didn't matter to us because he agreed with our politics. At least he claimed to, anyway. But we totally forgot some of those Bible verses about not exalting men of vile character, and stuff like that. I even have some of those highlighted in an old Bible... I usually just read the Bible on my smart phone app nowadays, so I miss my old notes." The mood was somber as the gathered preachers and radio hosts discussed what other kinds of gains under the Trump administration might be rolled back if the nation has truly lost the blessings of God. "Our position in the world as a superpower, our military readiness against invasion, even our food and crop production might take a turn for the worse. Or worst." So went a lot of the talk. Continuing his sad screed, Falwell said, "We thought we had it figured out. Trump was doing a fantastic job, just like we hoped for when we held our noses and pulled the levers at the ballot box. But wham! Along comes a stupid virus pandemic! Almost as if God was saying, 'Not so fast, Buddy!' Almost as if it was another Tower of Babel we were trying to build!" A few fundamentalist preachers (very few) stood by with silent "I tried to tell you" looks, but still nobody wanted to hear from them. The prophet Jeremiah had a better reception in his day.
-VM, 3/27/2020
