I am NOT being investigated for collusion with the Russians. In my professional wrestling debut, I did have a COLLISION with a Russian, Nikolai the Bear, but it was all planned out ahead of time when he and I colluded in practice the day before the match, so there is nothing to investigate there. Besides, he is not even a real Russian; he is from Pittsburgh. (Sorry, Nikolai, but I have to protect myself).
My house was NOT raided by the FBI last Tuesday morning before dawn, and they did NOT haul off 27 boxes of documents related to their (non-existent) investigation.
|This is NOT the FBI raiding my house.|
I have NOT made any accusations of decades-ago harassment or inappropriate comments against any Hollywood producers, high-profile actors, cable news anchors, United States Senators or Congress-critters, Iowa GOP legislators, or any greasy auto mechanic with onion/mustard breath at a small dingy shop on North Seventh Street where my car might have been towed late one stormy evening. (And yes, my muffler *DID* just fall off by itself, ya jerk!)
Finally, I want to make it very clear that I have NOT yet decided whether I will accept the offer to extend my contract as the Executive Vice-President of the Permanent Residents Association at the Peaceful Rest Clinic. The pay stinks and the benefits are horrible and I can't get the President to stop harassing me and making inappropriate comments. So I'll have to think about it.
Executive Vice President
Permanent Residents Association
Peaceful Rest Clinic for the Non-Criminally and Only Slightly Insane Sub-Genius Masterminds and Their Henchmen