Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Top Ten Ways a Pastor Can Tell if His Church Is Unhappy With Him

Here is a "top ten" list... The Top Ten Ways a Pastor Can Tell if His Church Is Unhappy With Him.  We will start with number 10 and work down, because that is the way top ten lists have always worked, at least since some time after the Ten Commandments, anyway.  Don't look at me, I didn't make this rule.

Without further ado (or further adon't), here is my list.  I will not comment on how many of these have ever happened to me personally (but I had to get my ideas from somewhere, right?)!

10. The only time anybody says "Amen" is when the pastor leaves the room.

9. At the last deacons meeting, a motion was raised to decorate both the pulpit and the platform with an abundance of large, spiny cactus plants.

8. The motion was seconded, and would have carried, if the Treasurer hadn't first reported on the actual cost of decorative cacti.

7. A sneaky church member keeps leaving the local newspaper's Help Wanted section in the pastor's office mailbox.

6. There are usually several janitorial positions circled in red ink.  And over-the-road trucker jobs.  And lots of third-shift and weekend jobs.  And offshore oil rigger jobs.  And one time, a recruiting poster for the Foreign Legion.

5. Someone hides a tape player in the pastor's office that randomly plays the "Get Out!" scary voice from a haunted house movie.

4. After the tape player breaks, the ushers take turns hiding outside the pastor's window to make the scary voice.

3. The ushers' schedule for outside-the-window duty is posted next to the nursery schedule and in the bulletin announcements.

2. At the church pot-luck dinner, the only food items brought in are all things the pastor is well known to be deathly allergic to.

1. This includes what his own wife brings!

Hey Pastors, I hope that none of this never happens to you!

--Victor Mowery

Saturday, February 11, 2017

My New Tagline - From Silence Dogood (Young Ben Franklin)

"I am not insensible of the Impossibility of pleasing all, but I would not willingly displease any; and for those who will take Offence where none is intended, they are beneath the Notice of."

- Benjamin Franklin, writing "anonymously" as the widow Silence Dogood, in 1722 at the age of 16.  I wonder what he would say of today's constantly offended Twitter snowflake generation.

VM

Monday, January 16, 2017

Way Back In 1988

Way back in 1988,
I wrote down this very poem on a paper plate.
It was in my room and very late.
But, hey, the very next day,
This very poem got a "A."

VM

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Oh No! Biffle's Smoke House BBQ Closed!

Quite by accident, I just found out on the internet that Biffle's Smoke House BBQ in Concordia, Missouri has closed, as the owners retired and moved to Phoenix.  Good for them.  Lousy for anybody straying too far from Kansas City and needing some real Kansas City barbecue on the road.

They now sell their wonderful sauce online at www.bifflesbbq.com, but they are not at the restaurant off I-70 any more.  (Maybe I can get a free case of sauce from them for their link here, posted for all 3 people that ever read this blog)!

OH NO, MY PERSONAL KC BBQ WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN!!!

Quick's Seventh Street.... GONE!
Biffle's.... GONE!
Mr. Epps... GONE or BACK?  He never could decide and I can't keep track; somebody please drive over by Stan's and tell me what's going on next door.  Get yourself a $1.99 Po-Boy sandwich if the sign is out, I'll pay.
Ricky's Pit... GONE too deep in the 'hood for even a certified city-boy like me to attempt it.  Or gone back to Arkansas for good this time?

Who is going next?  And I can't even enjoy the places that are still out there, because I am sojourning in the Great White North where nobody even knows what barbecue is !!!

At least the chain Bandana's BBQ that was in town closed before we ever moved up here.  After a few more years of doing without, I might have had to break down and walk into that place if it were still open.  I am spared from that humiliating and pathetic fate.  I could never forgive myself for such weakness.

VM

Thursday, January 5, 2017

The Old Account Was Settled With a Low Carb Diet

My boss was walking around the shop whistling "The Old Account Was Settled" while I was busy contemplating the effects on my body of my latest attempt at low-carb dieting (which began in October, by the way, not just a New Years' resolution).  While he kept whistling, my mind wandered from the text of the song to my thoughts of thick and thin.  This is the result, which I wrote down in about five minutes.

The Carbs, They Gotta Go

My belly was so large,
And growing every day,
For I was always eating,
And never tried to weigh.

But when I looked straight down,
And couldn't see my toe,
I said that I would diet:
The Carbs, They Gotta Go!

Gotta go (out with the carbs).
Gotta go (no carbs at all).
Yes, the fattening carbs,
They really gotta go (Hallelujah)!
And the meat is gonna stay,
With some bacon every day.
But the tasty carbs, they really gotta go!

Of course I would never satirize or make fun of, or even make fun with a cherished hymn that is sacred to us.  But this song's light-hearted melody steps a bit away from the "sacred" sounds of Watts or Wesley and lends itself well to a little bit of horsing around.  Not to be sung in church, though!

Happy New Year!

VM
01-05-2017

Friday, November 25, 2016

My Selection for a Cabinet Position

I would like to address the swirling rumors regarding my selection for a Cabinet position.

Let me first say that the public input regarding my selection is unwarranted.  This type of selection process is supposed to be a private affair until a decision is made and announced publicly.  However, because of the public interest, I will make a statement.

I received a call from media personality Joe Don Bristlethwait about this and I will tell you what I told him.

(At this point I should indicate to my patient readers that Joe Don Bristlethwait is not a real name.  It is not a psuedonym for a real person, either.  It is not a real person.  And I did not receive a real call.  I am just fulfilling a life-long ambition of using the name Joe Don Bristlethwait for a character I created, due to the unique misfortune and understood backstory that would accompany any fictitious character burdened with such a monker.  First of all, we would understand that the man had ridiculously incompetent parents, who, even though living in the South for all their lives, could not come up with a proper Southern two-name appellation for their son, like Billy-Bob or Bobby-James.  Secondly, we could surmise that Joe Don was mercilessly picked on by school bullies who imagined cleverly taunting rhymes for "Bristlethwait."  Finally, we would probably assume that this man had taken to using his initials whenever possible, stamping JDB for his signature, JDB imprinted on his leather belt, and possibly even on his wallet and leather wrist-cuffs.  All these things would be instinctively known by the seasoned reader of fiction when first running across the name Joe Don Bristlethwait in print.  They would not have to be explained in detail, as I have done here for the benefit of those who read more non-fiction blogs than the fiction in the news media.  So you can see my reason for long desiring to use the name.)

So here is what I (did not) repl(y)ied to JDB when he (did not) call(ed).

"My selection for a Cabinet position would be under the kitchen counter, where it will do the most good.  Some people choose the "under & over" position to double their Cabinet space, but that would not be my preference - although it would be acceptable if the Cabinets were already installed.  Or if you're asking about a bathroom Cabinet, it should be positioned directly over the sink, preferably with a mirror on the door.  This would be my selection for a Cabinet position."

I will let my statement speak for itself and I will not answer any more questions on the subject at this juncture.  Thank you all.

VM

Monday, October 10, 2016

Christian Voting Guide

I Timothy 5:22 - Lay hands suddenly on no man, neither be partaker of other men's sins: keep thyself pure.

To "lay hands" on someone here means to approve of or vote for the man.  Notice how it is tied together with being a partaker of their sins (those sins that you know of) - both the sins they have committed in the past and have not repented of, as well as the sins they are likely to commit in the future, based on their character.  That is why your vote is not to be a "sudden" decision, but one after you have long examined the character of the man.  Will you be comfortable being held partly responsible for his likely actions, since you voted for him?

Notice here that the emphasis in God's word on this choice you make is not about "the good of the [institution]" (the institution being a church, a nation, a city, a company, whatever), but the emphasis is laid upon keeping your own self pure.  There is more at stake than the temporal good - what happens over the course of the next few years.  Rather, what is at stake is eternal.  As a Christian, you will stand before the Judgment Seat of Christ and give account for your vote.  How would you like to be able to answer?

-VM