Johnny Cash Family Fumes At "Outrageous" Trump Claims

WASHINGTON (04/04/2019) - The family of late music entertainer and eminent climate scientist Johnny Cash went to Twitter this week to express dismay with recent claims made by President Donald Trump.  "We are outraged," noted Johnny's son Spendin Cash.

The feud was kicked off when the United States President spoke at a recent rally of farmers in the northeast of the midwest.  Responding in Ohio Tuesday to questions about the federal government's response to global warming, President Trump assured farmers that keeping crops viable was well within his super powers.  "After all," he quipped, "I taught the weeping willow how to cry... cry... cry."  Mr. Trump did not elaborate on how that claim, if true, could assist crops.  Trump went on to say that global warming was not much of a concern because, if necessary, he'd "tell the clouds how to cover up a clear blue sky" in order to keep temperatures down.

The identical twin sister of Mr. Cash, Johnita, said she felt like the President was taking a swipe at her deceased brother.  "Johnny did all those amazing things, and Donald Trump ignores that and acts like this ability of his is something new.  It's not new!  My brother could do these things forty, fifty years ago.  Granted, Johnny used science to accomplish this, and the President is using his super powers, but in the end it is the same result."  Johnita said she would like to remind everyone that her brother won multiple Nobel Prizes in scientific fields, in addition to his many Grammy awards.  "Most people only remember the music," she added.  "But our family feels that Johnny's real accomplishments were scientific, especially in controlling the weather, trees and river patterns."

In discussing river patterns, Mr. Trump also took a swipe at the Democrat-controlled congress at the rally.  He said that if they do not approve the funds for his proposed border wall, he would protect at least the eastern half of the country from the "illegal alien surge" by flooding the Mississippi River as a barrier to immigration.  He said he could accomplish this by using "the tears I shed for that woman."  It was not clear at press time who "that woman" referred to, or where the tears have been stored in the meantime.  Many believe "that woman" could be the President's first wife, Ivana.  Others think "that woman" refers to adult film actress Stormy Daniels, who has accused the President of watching "Shark Week" with her in a hotel room in 2007 and then paying her off with campaign cash to keep quiet about his being terrified of sharks.

Allusions to "that woman" have long been a part of presidential parlance, according to Stu Pidhead with the Presidential Parlance Partnership, a Washington think-tank.  "This goes back to Bill Clinton," he said.  "The famous 'that woman' line at his press conference, where he denied ever being intimate with - 'that woman' - pointing, but leaving out her name.  Most people think he was pointing at Hillary."  Other presidents have used the term with less ambiguity, said Stu.  "Whenever George W. Bush said 'that woman,' everybody knew he was talking about his lovely sainted mother Barbara, the salt of the earth.  God bless that woman!"  Still, there is room for doubt about the way President Obama used the phrase, even when clearly meaning his wife.  "Every time Obama said 'that woman' publicly, his brother would later tweet out, 'Michelle?  Or is it really MICHAEL?'  This really disturbed the President, but emboldened the LGBTQ-RSTUV crowd to think about the possibilities."

Remarking on President Trump's claims, Johnny Cash's mother stated, "That bum is always taking credit for the things my little good boy done.  Back during the 2016 campaign, Trump said he shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, and all the evangelical Christians overlooked it and still support him, because he recently started believing like they did about abortion."  Mrs. Cash was referring to her son's famous murder spree, for which he served three concert tours in Folsom Prison and two-hundred hours of community service cleaning up flood damage along the Mississippi valley.  The Cash family has never commented on allegations that Johnny caused that flood in the first place after sitting beside the river and attempting to weep there until his death, which would have set a new world record.  The record attempt was stopped short when the singer was swept away by flooding.  He claimed to have been dragged beneath the Gulf of Mexico by a whirlpool that took him into an underwater volcano.  His claims have never been verified, but he always stuck to his story that he "fell into a burnin' ring o' fire."  The singer never explained how he escaped the ring of fire, but it is assumed his abilities to "turn the tide" and "walk the line" helped.  He showed up back on the mainland weeks later, but his clothes and hat were permanently charred black from the flames.  Mr. Trump has repeatedly said that he can flood the Mississippi with much more effectiveness than Mr. Cash.  "It'll be HUGE!" he exclaimed at the rally, to thunderous applause.

"I suppose next Donald Trump is going to claim he was named Sue at birth," noted Mr. Cash's widow.  "This could be his strategy to get the vote of the LGBTQ-WXYZ crowd."  Stu Pidhead agreed, noting that the President is scheduled this weekend for a rally in San Francisco, featuring his outspoken supporter Bruce "Caitlyn" Jenner as a speaker.  "They've never backed him, even though he constantly reminds them he is the best thing that ever happened to them."

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckleberry Sanders said the President had no further comment for this article, but she said that speaking for herself, "I'm your huckleberry."  She frequently uses that line when responding to gunfight challenges from the press corps.  None have taken her up on it yet, since nobody knows what it actually means.

(C) Copyright 2019.  Reporting by Victor E. Mowery, Vincent E. Malloy and Vernon E. Maltodextrose.